The Super Bowl is upon us. Cameras will be flashing. Wings will be eaten. Good times will be had by all.
It seems unfair, though, that the big game is limited to just football teams. I realize that it’s technically the championship game in a football league, but still, there would be so many other great Super Bowl matchups.
Panthers vs. Broncos is so 2016.
I expect 2017 to go in a different direction.
In a perfect world, these would be the Top 10 possible matchups for next year:
10: Panthers vs. Broncos
Reason: Isn’t that kind of funny? Because earlier I mentioned that those two teams are “so 2016.” So then wouldn’t that just be a really funny kick in the pants if they were also so 2017? I’m just playing. I’d hate it.
9: Cardinals vs. Literally any team in the NFL
Reason: This one is a guilty pleasure. Deal with it.
8: Cleveland Browns vs. Tennessee Titans
Reason: Wouldn’t that be wild? Forget the fact that they’re both in the AFC so it’s literally impossible. Dare to dream for once. Two absolutely awful teams this year with the biggest turnarounds ever.
7: New York Jets vs. New York Giants (game played in Toronto).
Reason: The battle of the centre of the universe against the centre of the universe being played in the centre of the universe.
6 : Patriots vs. Blackhawks
Reason: Hear me out. Two dynasties. Brady vs. Toews. Belichick vs. Quenneville. It’s honestly like a match made in heaven. Deflategate vs. Kane-gate. This is insane! I’m getting riled up just thinking about it right now. This one is less likely because they play different sports.
5: Ric Flair vs. a microphone
Reason: This is really the dream matchup. It’s a win-win. Anytime Flair is near a microphone, sparks fly. An entire three hours of it? He would say “woo” approximately two billion times. I’d pay to see that. Even in his old age.
4: A whale vs. an elephant
Reason: A big matchup.
3: Tom Hardy as Bane vs. Tom Hardy in the movie Warrior
Reason: He is potentially the strongest man in the world. That would be a heavyweight clash if there ever was one. If you haven’t seen either movie, watch them. That would be like watching their individual regular seasons. You’d see why their Super Bowl matchup would be so highly regarded.
2: The Avengers vs. The Borrowers
Reason: This one will take some explaining. Not to say that the other ones were obvious matchups, but this one might seem odd. First off, many of you might not know who The Borrowers are. They’re little tiny half-inch sized people who live inside the walls of houses. There were books and movies made about them. They’re either 100% real or 100% not real, I can’t remember. In any case, their lack of size would make them the perfect opponents for The Avengers. Any time The Avengers have the ball they’ll score. But I think The Borrowers would too. Their ability to hide in the turf would really give them an advantage.
1: The four remaining members of One Direction in a Fatal Four-Way
Reason: Each player would do all the little things they need to win. Each of them hope to be perfect. At the end of the day, there would be so many touchdowns scored because they’re ready to run, and nobody can drag them down. For the loser, it’s a long way down, but at least they’d finally know the answer to the age-old question: where do broken hearts go?
Nailed it. That’s six One Direction references. Can you find them all?
Stamp collecting advice of the week: The more stamps you collect, the bigger the collection will be.
Enjoy your week,