The Celebrity Game

NBA All-Star Weekend is here and no one really cares.

 

The players don’t really try, there are 300 competitions, and none of them really matter. The only truly good part of the weekend is the celebrity game.

 

If you don’t know what the celebrity game is, the name is very self-explanatory. It’s literally a game played by celebrities. The only issue is that it’s celebrities no one cares about.

 

If I were in charge, these would be the lineups.

 

Team 1:

 

PG: James from James and the Giant Peach

SG: The Rescue Heroes (All of them)

SF: Hannah Montana

PF: The Incredible Hulk

C: Nickelback

 

Team 2:

 

PG: Napoleon Bonaparte

SG: TJ Detweiller

SF: Snooki

PF: Hazel Grace from The Fault in our Stars

C: The Beanstock from Jack and the Beanstock

 

Could you imagine? The athleticism of the Rescue Heroes? The showmanship of Nickelback? That goes up against the leadership of TJ and the resiliency of Hazel Grace? Not to mention the defensive abilities of the Beanstock! That’s like an immovable object!

 

I’d like to see this happen.

 

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Beer advice of the week: If you’re going to have a beer, have one you like the taste of as opposed to a gross one.

 

Happy sporting!

 

Enjoy your week,

 

Josh

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The Celebrity Game

Super Bowl Sunday

The Super Bowl is upon us. Cameras will be flashing. Wings will be eaten. Good times will be had by all.

 

It seems unfair, though, that the big game is limited to just football teams. I realize that it’s technically the championship game in a football league, but still, there would be so many other great Super Bowl matchups.

 

Panthers vs. Broncos is so 2016.

 

I expect 2017 to go in a different direction.

 

In a perfect world, these would be the Top 10 possible matchups for next year:

 

10: Panthers vs. Broncos

 

Reason: Isn’t that kind of funny? Because earlier I mentioned that those two teams are “so 2016.” So then wouldn’t that just be a really funny kick in the pants if they were also so 2017? I’m just playing. I’d hate it.

 

9: Cardinals vs. Literally any team in the NFL

 

Reason: This one is a guilty pleasure. Deal with it.

 

8: Cleveland Browns vs. Tennessee Titans

 

Reason: Wouldn’t that be wild? Forget the fact that they’re both in the AFC so it’s literally impossible. Dare to dream for once. Two absolutely awful teams this year with the biggest turnarounds ever.

 

7: New York Jets vs. New York Giants (game played in Toronto).

 

Reason: The battle of the centre of the universe against the centre of the universe being played in the centre of the universe.

 

6 : Patriots vs. Blackhawks

 

Reason: Hear me out. Two dynasties. Brady vs. Toews. Belichick vs. Quenneville. It’s honestly like a match made in heaven. Deflategate vs. Kane-gate. This is insane! I’m getting riled up just thinking about it right now. This one is less likely because they play different sports.

 

5: Ric Flair vs. a microphone

 

Reason: This is really the dream matchup. It’s a win-win. Anytime Flair is near a microphone, sparks fly. An entire three hours of it? He would say “woo” approximately two billion times. I’d pay to see that. Even in his old age.

 

4: A whale vs. an elephant

 

Reason: A big matchup.

 

3: Tom Hardy as Bane vs. Tom Hardy in the movie Warrior

 

Reason: He is potentially the strongest man in the world. That would be a heavyweight clash if there ever was one. If you haven’t seen either movie, watch them. That would be like watching their individual regular seasons. You’d see why their Super Bowl matchup would be so highly regarded.

 

2: The Avengers vs. The Borrowers

 

Reason: This one will take some explaining. Not to say that the other ones were obvious matchups, but this one might seem odd. First off, many of you might not know who The Borrowers are. They’re little tiny half-inch sized people who live inside the walls of houses. There were books and movies made about them. They’re either 100% real or 100% not real, I can’t remember. In any case, their lack of size would make them the perfect opponents for The Avengers. Any time The Avengers have the ball they’ll score. But I think The Borrowers would too. Their ability to hide in the turf would really give them an advantage.

 

1: The four remaining members of One Direction in a Fatal Four-Way

 

Reason: Each player would do all the little things they need to win. Each of them hope to be perfect. At the end of the day, there would be so many touchdowns scored because they’re ready to run, and nobody can drag them down. For the loser, it’s a long way down, but at least they’d finally know the answer to the age-old question: where do broken hearts go?

 

Nailed it. That’s six One Direction references. Can you find them all?

 

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Stamp collecting advice of the week: The more stamps you collect, the bigger the collection will be.

 

Happy sporting!

 

Enjoy your week,

 

Josh

Super Bowl Sunday

Playoffs

It’s been a bad week. The Arizona Cardinals, MY Arizona Cardinals, lost in the NFC Championship.

 

I’ve had no desire to do school work. Laughter has seemed like a foreign language.

 

I decided to use this as a learning experience, and take the opportunity to impart some wisdom on you guys.

 

Here are five excuses to use when your team loses in the playoffs:

 

5: We just didn’t feel like winning today. Sometimes you don’t want to win and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

4: The weather was bad. The other team had an advantage because they are used to the weather. Whether the weather is weather, or whether the weather is not – we’ll weather the weather whatever the weather – whether we like it or not. Unless we lose, then we didn’t get that ordeal done.

 

3: Injuries.

 

2: We felt bad for the other team. No one really respected them or thought they would amount to anything, so we wanted to change that. We’re really just a bunch of humanitarians out there trying to change the world.

1: The world hates us and is stupid and all sports are the worst and I can’t wait for next season.

 

So there you have it. When your team loses a big playoff game, try these out. They’re sure to get people on your side.

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Homeowner advice of the week: Lock your doors when you leave, it keeps your valuables safe.

 

Happy sporting!

 

Enjoy your week,

 

Josh

Playoffs

Houston’s Quarterback Carousel

The Houston Texans made the playoffs this year, congrats to them. Too bad they got absolutely torched.

 

One of the main reasons this happened, according to analysts, fans, and most anybody who watched any of their game, was because of their lack of a quarterback.

 

Next season, with the right man at the helm, they could be a force. Finding that right guy can be tough, though.

 

Here are the Top 10 options for the Texans at quarterback next season:

 

10: Brian Hoyer

 Reason: He was their starter this season, he at least deserves a chance.

 

9: The team folds

 Reason: Rather than looking for a new player, wouldn’t it be easier to just call it quits?

 

8: Vinny Testaverde

 Reason: He’s only 52 years old. He’s been a serviceable old-guy quarterback for so long that it really just makes sense.

 

7: Tim Tebow

 Reason: He has the lord with him.

 

6: Johnny Manziel

 Reason: He’s the full package. Attitude problems mixed with just the right amount of lack of skill.

 

5: No One

Reason: Could you imagine? The first ever football team with no quarterback on the roster? This one is highly unlikely, but I’d like to see them try.

 

4: Brett Favre

Reason: Who else did you expect? The guy is a #4 legend. He’s already come out of retirement multiple times, maybe he has one more season left in him.

 

3: Mike Winchell from the movie Friday Night Lights

Reason: When Boobie Miles went down with a knee injury, no one expected the Permian Panthers to have the success they did. That success was in large part due to their quarterback. He really knows how to win games. He did it in 1988, why not in 2016?

 

2: Steph Curry

Reason: Have you seen his accuracy with the deep ball? If he can knock down triples from half-court, he can certainly lob it up to DeAndre Hopkins in the back of the endzone.

 

1: Ryan Leaf

Reason: It’s been almost 20 years since he became known as one of the biggest busts of all time. I truly think he’s put that behind him and has a newfound work ethic.

 

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Boomerang advice of the week: When you throw it, be prepared for it to come back.

 

Enjoy your week!

 

Happy Sporting,

 

Josh

Houston’s Quarterback Carousel

Fantasy Season Once Again

The NFL regular season has ended. Hockey and basketball are still around, but they don’t really count. Fantasy sports season is over.

 

Is it really, though?

 

This year, I’ve started playing Fantasy The Bachelor.

 

Before you scoff and stop reading, consider this: it’s actually kind of fun.

 

Two weeks ago I was asked if I wanted to take part in a Bachelor draft. Each player picks two girls and they’re awarded points based on the performances they put up on a weekly basis.

 

Here are some of the point categories, just to give you a taste:

  • Kiss: +2 pts
  • Makeout: +5 pts
  • Receive a pre-ceremony rose: +15 pts
  • Receive a rose at the ceremony: +10 pts

 

Those are the simple ones. Points are also awarded for things like crying and sitting in a hot tub, which makes no sense to me.

 

It was tough heading into the draft as a rookie. My approach was simple. I asked people who watched the show which girls they would pick, and put them at the top of my draft board.

 

I drew pick nine. My four girls went off the board in the first six picks. At that point, I knew I had to do some more intense research.

 

I started looking into The Bachelor advanced stat columns. Things like: their pictures on the website, their answers to the questions in the online questionnaire, and whether they looked like a crazy person or not.

 

Pick nine came around and I snagged JoJo. Wow. What a selection. She put up a phenomenal week one performance, but I’ll get to that in a bit. At pick 11 I drafted Lauren H. Her ability to outperform Lauren B, Lauren (LB), and Lauren R, is outstanding.

 

Being in this draft meant I had to watch my first ever episode. It makes no sense; Bachelor Ben kissed all 20 girls in the first episode. That doesn’t seem very clean.

 

The first episode was riveting. As a fan of fantasy sports, it is so easy to get into something that has fantasy in the name. My team of JoJo and Lauren H. really seemed to understand my coaching philosophy. I wanted them to just go out there and put points on the board. That’s what they did.

 

Holy heck JoJo was good. Not only did she makeout with Bachelor Ben, but she also snagged a 15 pointer for getting a pre-ceremony rose. She really put my team on her back in week one.

 

So as you can see, fantasy sports are nowhere near over. Instead of drafting potential MVPs, you draft future true loves, and really, there’s no greater feeling that seeing two people fall in love.

 

#TeamJoJo

#TeamLaurenH

 

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Twitter advice of the week: stay within the 140 character limit.

 

Happy sporting!

 

Enjoy your week,

 

Josh

Fantasy Season Once Again

Bowl Season

The New Year is upon us, which means Bowl season has come and gone.

There are so many Bowl Games these days that it’s hard to keep track of all of them. Everyone knows about the Rose Bowl and the Orange Bowl. Heck, everyone even knows about the Fiesta Bowl.

In this week’s post, I’m simply going to do you all a favor by giving you the results of the less-known bowl games.

As you will learn from reading the results of these less-known Bowl Games, you’ll come to realize that these games mean absolutely nothing. Teams do not need to experience any success to get there. If the team exists, they get a bowl game.

Here are three of this year’s Bowl Games that flew under the radar.

 

Directions Bowl

 

Southwest Northeastern (2-12) vs. Northsouthern Eastwestern (2-12)

 

Final Score: Southwest 42 Northsouthern 41

 

Papa John’s Online Ordering App Bowl

 

Texas Christian A&M Tech (3-11) vs. Anchorage St. (4-10)

 

Final Score: TCAMT 3 Anchorage St. 2

 

Not Real Bowl

 

Fake School No. 1 (7-7) vs. Fake School No. 2 (6-8)

 

Final Score: Game was cancelled due to severe weather.

 

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Back to school advice of the week: Stay awake for the first class of the year, that’s when you get all the most important information.

 

Have a great week!

 

Happy sporting,

 

Josh

Bowl Season

Sports Fans

Sometimes you go to watch a sports game and you see a great game.

Sometimes you go and see a stinker.

One thing that is consistent, though, are the Top 10 fans you see there.

10: The quiet fan who might not even be there.

9: The ones who take advantage of cold weather to wear their big leather gloves so they can clap super loudly.

8: The superfan who is decked out in all possible team gear.

7: The ones who wear the wrong sports jerseys to games like morons (i.e. Hockey jersey to football game).

6: The ones with their own names on their jerseys.

5: The embarrassing dad who shouts all game and dances during breaks.

4: The embarrassed kid who has to deal with #5.

3: The cowbell fan. Needs more cowbell.

2: The drunk guy with a baby but the baby might not be his, but either way, the beer is his.

1: The shirtless and painted in -50 degree weather guy.
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Guy advice of the week: Don’t be that guy.

Have a great week!

Happy sporting,

Josh

Sports Fans